Healing Emotional Survival Patterns (PART 2)

This is part 2, please first refer to part 1 before reading. (click the highlighted link)

Once we have made the relationship conscious and can see all the ways we move away from the emotion we can begin to heal and mend the relationship to it. When inviting anger in, we can begin to experience it fully, notice its qualities and reconnect with this part of ourselves.

Once we can meet it directly, without shunning, reacting, turning away or suppressing then anger no longer needs to be made an orphan, we can learn to integrate the energy back into the totality of our Being.

When this is done we can begin to hold our boundaries, our no means no, our will is our own and we reclaim our sovereignty and sense of individuality.

Learning to stay consciously connected to our experience in this way is an individuation process, one where we step out of the reactivity of our childhood and mature into a separated individual of our own.

Essentially there is no individuation without...

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Healing Emotional Survival Patterns (PART 1)

Anger, terror, rage, anxiety, helplessness, grief, sadness, joy, happiness, excitement… All of these are human emotions and give life to the landscape of our inner world.

Emotions are what colour the experience of being human, and if our relationship to them is healthy then we can embrace and experience them fully.

On the contrary, if we never experienced a safe space to feel, and our relationship to them is one of resistance, reactivity and rejection, then rather than experiencing emotions which are relevant to the present moment we are often just re-experiencing reactive responses and emotional echoes from our past, in this state life can become repetitive, contracted and filled with suffering. 

How we relate to our emotions is actually how the adults around us related to our emotions when we were children.

Our reaction to our inner experience is based on the outer reaction from our caregivers and adults, essentially we are conditioned to respond to ourselves in the...

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The Conditioned Nervous System (PART 3)

A trauma-sensitive perspective on abuser/abused, victim/narcissist 

This is part 3, please first refer to part 1 and part 2 before reading. (Click the highlighted link)

Last week I discussed the dynamics and conditioned responses of the nervous system that underpin pathological narcissism and create the dynamic between abuser and the abused.

Of course, there are many other factors aside from just the conditioned fight reflex that are embedded within the structure of narcissism, such as disturbances in the development of self representations and fractured psychic structures due to arrests in childhood individuation. Nonetheless, for reasons of understanding the dynamics the fundamentals are more important than the details in this case and it is not necessary to fully understand the finer details in order to heal or gain deeper insight. 

This week I am going to discuss healing from narcissism and from narcissistic abuse.

My intention is not to offer a...

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Anger with Our Children

I was in the water with Tommy this morning and I felt myself wanting to disconnect from him, ignore what he was saying and be angry and reactive.

I try my best to be a trauma-informed, gentle parent, but honestly sometimes I yell (and I hate it and beat myself up after because I really should know better). And you look into their sweet innocent face and their body flinches with fear, it's the freakin worst.

At that moment, I decided that I wasn't going to go down that path, so I stopped for a moment, looked at him and said "I can't talk right now sweety, mummy is angry so I just need to do some breathing, can you wait a few minutes?"

He looked understanding, so standing there in the water with him, I started to go right into the anger, breathed into it, turned it up, and followed the sensation around my body.

As that layer started to melt, I went down deeper into my body and mind, and a deep pain of frustration and constriction came through... I asked my body and mind... "what is...

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Relationship to Anger

Anger is quite often quoted to me as the most difficult emotion for people to experience.

When we are children the energy and expression of anger is more often than not met with disdain, even forms of healthy aggression we can be conditioned to shut down and move into states of collapse, fawn or freeze instead.

When we express aggression and are met with some form of shaming by a larger more powerful being whom our survival relies on, part of our survival strategy is to then orphan our anger. We dissociate from this part of ourselves in order to maintain some kind of healthy relational attachment.

We may learn by their response that when anger is present love is withdrawn. Our relationship to anger then becomes one of resistance and our anger itself becomes associated with threat.

This can create layers of internal struggle along with unconscious self hatred and shame for having these emotions, which are actually in truth a very natural and healthy part of development.


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5 Techniques for Processing Emotions


"The State that we're in & the Emotions we're Experiencing will dictate the course of our Lives"

When we came into this world we started learning many things.
Crawling, walking, talking, socialising, sport, eating, etc...

One thing most of us didn't learn was how to properly process emotions.
This is no ones fault, if our parents knew they would of taught us.

If you're reading this then it's safe for me to assume that you're on a personal growth journey and/or working in the field of helping others.
On that path, early on, we realise that our emotions are controlling our life.

If we want to start to master our life we must first master our emotions.

This doesn't mean we don't have emotional reactions, for this is part of being a human being.
It means being able to contain them and not get lost in their energy.

In the above video we discuss different techniques for processing emotions, both from day to day life and from our past.
The underlying theme they all have is that we Turn...

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